Apocalypse of Kaiju Abridged episode 2

Abridged by: (me aka )

Apocalypse of Kaiju is owned by: ()

Inspired by: A slap on Titan, Abridge on Titan, Attack on Titan Abridged, EvAbridged series, and Yet Another Neon Genesis Evangelion Abridged Series

Episode 2: I came in like a wrecking ball!

3:00 PM (evacuation bus)

Allison: have you seen Tyler and Stanley anyway while we were heading towards the right direction towards safety?

Erik: You mean you didn’t them go the opposite direction of where we were going?

Allison: Oh there they are. Huh? *sees the horrified look on Tyler’s face*

Erik: must learned what “the birds and the bees” are.

Allison: either way, we better leave him alone for now.

Erik: good idea.

(Cue intro)

3:30 pm

(Tyler is crying his eyes out)

Allison: okay I think we waited long enough, let me handle this.

Erik: why?

Allison: because women are naturals in comforting upset little boys. Besides if you tried to comfort him, your creepy personality will mess it up.

Erik: That was EXACTLY how I was going to make him feel better.

Allison: just let me do my sh#t, okay.

Erik: fine.

(Allison walks over to Tyler)

Allison: Tyler, is there something wrong?

Tyler (crying): y-yes.

Allison: did your parents get eaten?

Tyler (crying): y-yes. *whimpering*

Allison: do you mind if I hug you, do you?

Tyler (crying): n-no.

Allison: are you sure?

Tyler (crying): …… n-no.

Allison (hugging Tyler): there, there, I’m here.

Stanley (both crying and whimpering): I… I… can’t believe that my parents are dead.

Simon: Don’t worry, I will tell you kids “the birds and the bees” another time. I going to help the military.

Stanley (crying): is it because you don’t want to take of children like some kind of babysitter?

Simon: No, no, no, Stanley. I got to help people get to safety.

Stanley (crying): oh, okay.

(Simon runs off to help the military)

Simon’s thoughts: … that kid is too smart for his own good.

4:00 pm (the gate)

Soldier #1: close the gate! The kaiju are coming!


Simon: Alright, one sec, we need to bring back more men inside.

Soldier #2: no, no, no, no, no! Tell them to stay out there.

Simon: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!? WHYYYYYYY!?

Soldier #2: because we need them to keep the kaiju busy so we don’t risk losing the first wall too.

Simon: F#ck you! Are you just going to let my men out there to die!?

Soldier #2: yeah, that is technically part of the plan and you have your orders, soldier!

(The soldiers firing their artillery at the kaiju are overhearing the conversation outside)

Simon: F#ck your orders! My men are out there, risking their necks to help us and they do not want to die!

(Back inside)

Soldier #2: ugh! Alright look. We will let them stay out there for a few more minutes. We will make sure everything is in order and we will all come in before the gate closes, deal?

Simon: mmm… yeah, you can say that.

(Bronroi’s legs steps into the camera’s view and the camera looks up to see its face)

Soldier #1: what the hell is that thing?

Soldier #3: looks like a hybrid of a triceratops and an ankylosaur.

Soldier #1: Dinosaur nerd!

Soldier #3: HEY!

Soldier #2: close the gate!

Simon: what!?

Soldier #2: close the gate! Close the gate! Close the gate!

(Gate starts to close, Bronroi starts charging towards the gate)

Simon: you son of a-

(Bronroi smashes through the gate and Simon looks at the destroyed gate)

Simon: … oh… we… are… so BONED.

Narrator: Meanwhile

(On the evacuation bus)

Tyler: …… Allison?

Allison: yes, Tyler?

Tyler: do you want to know what I’m going to do…?

Allison: … I hope you mean that in a NON- suicidal, selfish, spoiled and crazy thing that you are going to do.

Tyler: I’m gonna… I’m gonna…

(Tyler walks out to the window and stares out the window for awhile)

Allison’s thoughts: please don’t go crazy, please don’t go crazy, please don’t go crazy!

Tyler: I’m gonna… I’m gonna…… I’M GONNA KILL EVERY SINGLE KAIJU AND GARGLE ON THEIR BLOOD!! BUT! NOT BEFORE I TEACH THEM HOW TO SPEAK! SO THEY CAN BEG FOR MERCY!

(Half a mile away from the bus)

Tyler: BEFORE I KILL THEM ALL SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY!!

(Back on the bus)

Erik: what is his problem? Did he loose his parents or something?

Allison: That! And something else entirely.

Narrator: two days later.

(Bullies start beating up Stanley)

Bully #1: give us your lunch!

Bully #3: yeah and give us your clothes too!

Bully #2: whoa, dude! We want his food, we don’t want him to strip!

Bully #3: I thought that we don’t give a crap about what we do to our victims?

Bully #2: that’s what kidnappers and murderers do, moron.

Bully #3: oh! Kidnappers and murderers! That makes more sense.

Tyler: Hey, leave my brother alone!

Erik: Yeah! Knock some blood and teeth out of their fleshy gums!

(Tyler gets beaten up by the bullies)

Erik: oh goddammit Tyler! You had one job!

Stanley: two jobs.

Erik: oh really? Okay then. You had two jobs, Tyler! TWO! JOBS!

(Allison comes running)

Bully #1: oh my god! It’s Allison! Run you fools! Again!!

(The bullies run away)

Bully #2: I pissed my pants a second time!!

Allison: You guys okay.

Tyler: I’m fine.

Erik: That’s a second time that I didn’t get to see any baby teeth to analyze.

Tyler: okay, is there a time where your creepiness comes in handy for once?

Erik: … sadly no…

Stanley: Thank you, Allison, you goddess, I am NOT worthy. Here, have a piece of my food.

(Stanley gives Allison a piece of his food)

Allison: aw, you are so cute, Stanley.

Narrator: Meanwhile.

General Wilson Krentz: alright, we will be calling the big skinless muscular rat thing, Kolosalen and the tricera-dino armored lizard thing-a-ma-bobber, Bronroi.

Military member #1: wait, Kolosalen and Bronroi? You mean that’s not Godzilla?

General Wilson Krentz: what? No! You see in 1954, the first kaiju was-

(A picture of a hoarder appeared)

Military member #2: oh my god, it’s GOJIIIIRRRRAAAAHH!!!

General Wilson Krentz: do you guys even know what Godzilla looks like?

Military member #3: yes, of course! Show us a picture and we will tell you EXACTLY what it is.

General Wilson Krentz: Alright. Who do you see here?

(A picture of Bronroi appears)

Military member #1: Oh my god, it’s Godzilla!

General Wilson Krentz: incorrect.

(A picture of Kolosalen appears)

General Wilson Krentz: and who do you see right here?

Military member #2: Godzilla!

General Wilson Krentz: incorrect.

(A picture of the abnormal hoarder that ate Tyler’s parents)

Military member #3: Oh my god! Its Godzilla!!!

General Wilson Krentz: incorrect.

(A picture of a regular Hoarder appears)

Military member #1: GOJIRA!!!

General Wilson Krentz: incorrect.

(A picture of Zilla in 1998 appears)

Military member #2: GODZILLA!!

General Wilson Krentz: kind of, sort of, not really, incorrect.

(A picture of mothra in 1961 appears)

Military member #3: GOJIRA!!!

General Wilson Krentz: incorrect.

(A picture of Rodan in 1956 appears)

Military member #1: GO-GO-GODZILLA!!

General Wilson Krentz: incorrect.

(An actual picture of Godzilla in 1954)

(Everyone is dead silent looking at the picture for several seconds)

Military member #1: ………………………………………………………………… Your mom!?

(End of episode)